Mike vs. the Gopher

When I was a teenager, it was my job to fill in the holes that gophers made digging in our front yard. One time, my mother reminded me that I needed to fill in the latest batch of gopher holes before my father got home from work. He would be home soon, so time was of the essence.

Before I completed this assignment, I wanted to show my displeasure at having to fill in the gopher holes. I put my plan together. First I pulled aside my sister Janet. Janet was known for her ability to express great emotion. This ability was key to the success of the project. I instructed her to stand by the window in the dining room. From this position, she was close to Mom in the kitchen and could, simultaneously, see me outside. I told her that when I gave her the signal, she was to scream to Mom that something was attacking me. She readily agreed.

Next I put the other pieces of my plan together. My sisters each had a furry brown hat that would tie with cords that ended with what looked like round balls of fur. I grabbed one such hat and then went outside and secured a shovel. I tied the furry hat to my left ankle and positioned myself, shovel in hand, directly behind one of the gopher holes.

Janet was now watching from the dining room window. I gave Janet the cue to begin to scream. Simultaneously I started yelling, jumping up and down, and swinging the shovel wildly at the furry hat attached to my ankle.

Mom came running to the window to see what the commotion was about. She took the bait – hook, line and sinker. I looked up and saw that Mom had a look of complete horror upon her face. Once I saw her, I immediately stopped. I could not, in good conscience, continue. She clearly believed that I was in a life and death struggle with a man-eating gopher!

Luckily I still had time to fill in all the gopher holes before Dad came home.